Why does it always seem like the time flies by like a rocket? Especially when it comes to vacation, or, in my case, sick leave. Although I was recovering from some common respiratory virus and didn't just chill all week, I still got a chance to stay at home, sleep in, have nice quiet mornings, cook at home and so on. And I also made a huuuge progress in my writing thing, so yay!
I know I'm not the type who'd be able to avoid work. I like to work and to make money. I like the feeling of sustaining myself, buying myself nice things and occasionally saving money. I find it normal to work a lot in your twenties, I'm thinking that it's a misconception what twenty-somethings sometimes expect, like more leisure time than work. You need to spend some portion of your life working lots of hours just so you can chill later when you actually get a chance. It's just... I still haven't quite figured out the best way for myself to make money and the best career path with everything taken into consideration, like my hobbies, or adventures, or my well-being. My current job involves lots and lots of hustle, and usually, I enjoy the fast pace and multitasking 303. But what happens at some point is that a moment comes when I desperately need to come off the road for a little while. Like now, when I was stressing out a lot and didn't eat properly, et voila, I got sick.
This little break was important because it showed me something I needed to learn about life and about myself, though. First of all, I need to stop trying to be the nicest person in the room, because it doesn't really make everyone love me or me happier. I am a friendly person and I like meeting new people, but I don't need to overdo it. Second, self-development and the idea of becoming the best version of myself is a huge thing for me. What I'm saying is that work and money are very important for my self-worth, but I'm more thinking type than overachieving. And I just happen to question what I get to do and why I do it in terms of a bigger picture. I know it's such a pain in everywhere to have a worker who sort of questions their path from time to time. And it's a bigger pain to be one because sometimes words like "bigger picture" and "path" pop in your head out of nowhere (path.. Oh, what I am, a Witcher? "Good luck on your Path"...). But still...
We are all so much more than our careers even when they do play a huge role in our lives we are so much more valuable than that.
- From Roses , 7 Things to Remind Yourself When You Don't Feel Good Enough
As a thinking type, I still want to achieve and succeed, just with a chance to make room for important things; meaning, important to me. Like taking care of my place, cooking, eating properly, having the energy to go somewhere on my days off and see stuff, and creating. I want to write and even to have courage to show my writing to... well, let's start with my boyfriend. I want anxiety to leave my life alone. I want to stop impressing random people. Most of all, I want to stop being thrown in different directions wherever the wind changes. Because when I'm swapped with work, my view of myself is this (i'm-so-important-and-i-need-to-run) and then when I slow down, it's that (thinking creative type); it's just so unclear. I want to know who I am and I want to balance my ambitios side and my creative side. And yes, I want to achieve and succeed, I just want to achieve and succeed in something that will be me, that will be important to me and that will make me proud and fulfilled at the end of the day.
Another thing I thought of is even if you have to go do your corporate job, maybe it can make it easier to focus on other aspects that are important to you in particular, like working on your time management and problem-solving skills. After all, isn't is what corporate jobs are for? You do it, you gain the skill, you move on. Right?
Maybe I'm just letting anxiety to narrow my world and blur my vision. Because when I'm thinking of moving on from my job, I'm like, "What am I gonna do?? Where I'm gonna go?? Do I have to start something else and learn from scratch? But I don't want to be a new girl again, I know my thing so well by now". Maybe that is why I'm still unsure about the direction of my career. I'm kind of letting myself go with the flow, and then when I feel unsettled, I try to silence the voice because I'm too afraid of seeing, evaluating and trying other options. On the other hand, I don't want to be this thinking type person who dreams a lot but never really does anything. Or maybe that is why I'm so afraid? Maybe I'm afraid to be perceived as this useless dreamer who refuses to do "the real stuff" but is having troubles making money doing something creative. Oh yes, I think this is the reason. This is the reason why at 26 I still haven't determined a career for myself but started having thoughts like, "I'm not as young anymore, I need to make something real out of my life". I'm afraid of not sustaining myself just as much, or even less than I'm afraid of being perceived as a failure.
Okay, a thinking person has got to the bottom of everything. I'm a thinking type for a reason, after all! And what am I going to do with this new discovery? I still need to go through with my career to some extent since I'm an international, that's why they want me here, to do the work. Urgh, I don't know. But I'm so freaking afraid of going back to work tomorrow and jumping into all this hustle again and losing this vibe of self-awareness. Someone please let me know if you ever think of anything like this and how you deal with it. Please?
Anyways, today I'm just going to rest and then buy some groceries for the week. The sun is up, I got a comment from the lovely Jane from Deluminators on my latest post (thanks Jane :)), made myself a coconut tea latte, and my birthday flowers are still alive, so seems like life is not bad at all. Let's have an awesome week! xx