Mornings like this are my favourite. I woke up earlier when my boyfriend was still asleep to have some quiet time alone. These mornings are my safest place. Feels like the time and the whole worlds have frozen for a bit and nothing can bother me for now. It's also my weekend off I've had two mornings like this. Bliss.
I usually spend these mornings working on the blog. I just open a blank page and see where it will lead me today. It's not like there's no plan at all, there's always an idea that I have in mind when I open a new page, but sometimes a post goes in a totally different direction. And works out even better. Does it happen to you as well?
I'd been a week since I've been back to work, and I feel like the way I see my job, my promotion and myself has changed. I've been approaching everything very cautiously all week trying not to lose myself in the hustle again. I started to leave the breakroom on my lunch breaks and go elsewhere to get some real time off, I've been writing every day on my breaks trying to keep up with my writing thing, and I've been thinking. Maybe I was a bit too cautious but really, don't want to feel squeezed out as I have before. So I tried to kept some distance from work in my mind, reminding myself that there's something else in my life that matters, like my well-being and creative time.
I've actually seemed kinda off comparing to what I was before. So many people noticed and asked me if I was all right, to the point that I felt annoyed and snapped at someone. I know I shouldn't have been like that. It was amazing that so many people cared. But there was something on my mind that hasn't quite shaped yet so I didn't really want to talk about anything.
The thing is, this promotion is still giving me anxiety. I know it's a wonderful opportunity that is more than I've expected when I started this job. It's just, I can't tell yet is it that I'm not the right person for this or that I'm not being trained properly? I'm not enjoying trying to impress people, this time not even in my head but for real. I'm not enjoying constantly proving to people that they haven't made a mistake assigning me for this. I'm not a competitive person. It's not my thing. But what I'm doing makes me run this constant race, and I often feel like I'm being watched by everyone because it's a position with much more responsibility than before; I have to deliver results. They say it gets better, but for now, it's so hard.
What I noticed helps me feel better is these little "life through my phone" posts of mine. When I look back at them, I see that my life was much more than work and running errands, I see al those little moments that happened to me during the week, and I don't feel as swapped anymore. Really, journaling is so worth it! I should do posts like this more often, didn't do one last week so here goes this week's edition. On the weekend we went to the Greek festival that I've heard so much about. To be honest, I didn't quite like it; to many people, not enough space, and the food was all the same (do Greek people eat something else other that meat on a stick? I guess so, but food vendors seemed to think otherwise). Thankfully, I found cheese pies and some giant $2 fruit plates as well. Yum!
Oh, and another nice thing happened to me this week; someone at work got me a cake because I wasn't there for my actual birthday.
p.s. I really enjoyed this post by Hayley (A Happy Milestone - 500 Followers) this morning. Everything she wrote hit so close to home. Really, there's no need to fit your blog into a specific "category". All you need is just to write from your heart, everything you post should be authentic, and this is the only recipe for a blog that will make you happy. I wrote a post about my blogging experience here, and I stand by every word to this day: write from your heart like you'd write for yourself, don't chase perfection and use resources that you have on hand; the best things come from within you.